It Never Really Goes Away
by cmoney13
Summary: Sequel to Am I Even worth It? Serena Shepherd is now a college Freshmen trying to figure out her path in life. Can she keep working on finding herself? Or will she let her life be consumed by the dark and twisty thoughts once again? POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING!


The date is April 18th, 2018 over five months since that dark November night for Serena Shepherd. That was the last time she touched her blade that lays at the bottom of a jar masked by pens. Granted that jar is on her desk back in her room at home; not on her desk currently in her dorm room.

Serena closes the textbook in her lap. Deciding to take a break from studying she sets the book aside getting up to stretch her legs. Her phone shakes her desk with a text message, taking her time walking over to it, she reads it.

 **Coffee? -Elly.**

 **Oh, absolutely! -Serena.**

Serena smiles, feeling happy not only has she stayed clean the last five months,but has also managed to rebuild her friendship with Elly. Serena grabs a jacket zipping it up. She locks the door to her door to her dorm behind her dropping her keys in her sweatshirt pocket and scribbling a note to her roommate Evelyn on their whiteboard in case she got back to the room before Serena does.

 _Gone to get coffee with Elly. Come join us if you'd like! -S_

Twenty minutes later she is seated across from Elly in a coffee shop. The blonde in front of her has a preoccupied look in her ocean blue eyes. "You miss Winter, don't you?" Serena states asking it but already knowing the answer to the question.

"What? No… I'm fine" Elly lies.

"Hey, it's me your taking to remember? I know when you're lying you get your ability to lie from Arizona Robbins which isn't a good thing. Aunt Arizona may be awesome at many things but lying is not one one of them."

Elly lets out a shaky laugh and I can see the tears dangerously close to falling from her eyes. I grab her hand from across the table and squeeze it. "Come on love" I pull her up and walk her over to the grass that is by the table we were sitting at. I take her coffee and set it next to mine on the grass. She takes the cue at flops down on her back stretching her arms and legs in the grass. I mimic her position. We just lay on the grass for minutes maybe even hours not saying anything just enjoying the warm Seattle spring day. "That cloud right there looks like a bunny, a big chubby fluffy bunny. Oh, and big floppy ears!" Elly points up at the sky. "What should we name her?"

"Who? The bunny? And what makes you say it's a girl? I question looking at the expression a mixture of amusement and delight on Elly's face. That's one of the many, many things I love about Elly. I could write an endless list of the things I love about her but one of my favorite things about having Elly as one of my people is her passion. Her energy when she gets an idea in her head even if it's as simple as the name and traits of a fictional bunny, her energy becomes infectious. Like the moments with friends were someone says something that realistically isn't that funny but uncontrollable laughter breaks out anyway. That's how powerful Elly's positive energy is.

I missed her energy so much from the beginning of last April to last June when we were barely speaking. I feel like even though it was some kind of torture for both of us we needed it to remind us that we need and want to be friends, not only friends but best friends. I need her to be my person and she needs to be mine.

"Yes of course the bunny and of course it's a girl because girls are the most awesome." Elly exclaims being the mirror image of her blonde mother in this moment.

"Hm… how about professor Tonks" I suggest looking up at the bunny shape that is already beginning to change. "I love it, because no matter what shape the cloud will take, she will always be Tonks" Elly guesses the train of thought I had, already being clued in by the adoption of the name of one of my favorite Harry Potter characters.

I take out my phone and snap a picture of the cloud still holding the shape of Professor, Tonks. "Wait I understand why we named her Tonks, but why did we add the professor part?" Elly wonders aloud.

"Simple, because she's the smartest of all the cloud bunnies!" My explanation brings laughter to both of us. I turn my head to snap a picture of Elly mid laugh, and then Elly and I take a selfie together, laying in the glass smiling laughing happy. I've really gotten in the hobby of photography. Pictures make me happy. I love pictures. I love keeping them. I love taking them, and I love being in them. I love having them to remind me of memories I love. A way to freeze moments of happiness with the people I love the places I love adventures I love.

So, I take pictures of almost everything and everyone. It drives them crazy I know, but they take pictures with me, because they know how important pictures are to me, and they love me. My walls in both my bedroom at home and my current dorm room, are plastered with pictures.

"You should go to visit Winter in L.A" I finally say what I had been thinking this whole time. "I can't" sadness in her voice. "Why not?"

"Winter and I broke up remember?" Elly huffs.

"I do remember but doesn't mean it has to stay that way. Just because a situation isn't perfect at the time. Doesn't mean it has to stay that way. It makes no sense that you should stop talking or seeing or thinking about someone you care deeply about just because relationships shift a little bit. I tell her letting the jumble of thoughts flow freely from my mind to my mouth.

I remember in late June when they broke up. A typical reason teenage couples break up Elly was staying here to attend college while Winter wanted to go to L.A and try to become a youtuber not seeing the point in college decided she needed to understand more of the world and she determined that YouTube would be her platform where she documents whatever she finds. I hurt because she was hurting then too, and she wouldn't let me help her through it. While I was hurting over Noah leaving hurt over Aria and Elly leaving me too and hurt over how unbelievably broken as a person I felt. Elly was hurting over her own broken heart as well. And I think knowing that we couldn't go through this hurt together, made the hurt intensify more for both of us.

"They have colleges in L.A. You don't have to stay here for school if you don't want to. I'll be okay here without you. I'm okay." I add as an afterthought, afraid for a second that she is staying because of me.

"I know you will be okay, without me. You are so strong Serena Shepherd I just want you to see your strength for yourself. You can handle this without me or Evelynn you could even handle this without any of us. If you had to. You could! You won't ever have to handle any of this on your own, but we won't always be here to help you. All of us need to make sure that you know how to handle your dark and twistiness because you are strong enough. You are one of the strongest people I know! And I love you! You're my person!" Elly finishes her rant tears streaming down her face I pull her into a tight hug tears rushing down my face.

"You're my person El. You're stuck with me for life now! No matter how much distance may be put between us in the future.

 **AN I WANTED TO START THIS STORY OFF WITH THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE OF THE PERSON IN MY LIFE WHO ELLY IS BASED ON IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ME! AND I HAVE PUT THEM THROUGH A WHIRLWIND** **OF THINGS AND THEY ARE STILL BY MY SIDE. SO "ELLY" YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS CHAPTER. YOU'RE MY PERSON.**

 **FOR THE REST OF YOU LOVELIES WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS FIRST CHAPTER? HOPE YOU HAVE AN AWESOME NIGHT! IF ANY OF YOU HAVEN'T READ AM I EVEN WORTH IT? I'D CHECK IT OUT.**

 **P.S IT MIGHT ONLY BE FIVE MONTHS SELF HARM FREE FOR SERENA. IT IS OVER 2 YEARS CLEAN FOR MYSELF SO YAY!**


End file.
